You may have noticed that this blog has been disappearing and reappearing a lot lately. I thought I’d try to explain why.
Let me first say that I love the internet. I’ve loved the internet ever since the internet was a thing to love in my life. There’s a photo somewhere of me in 1994, 10 years old, sitting at my family’s First Computer, staring in awe at the Prodigy Internet we had back then. I was hooked from the very beginning. If I had a copy of that photo, I’d post it below but instead let this Hyperbole and a Half illustration get the point across:
Me, age 10 to 28
That Love of Internet has perhaps understandably grown over the years into a Need for Internet. That’s not to say that I’m addicted or need help (besides, aren’t we all addicted and don’t we all need help?), but rather that much of my sense of self is deeply connected to my online existence and online habits. The things I read, the things I share & post, the things I watch, the people I communicate with and become friends with–these are all incredibly important components of who I am. And so, with the internet such an intrinsic part of my being, I need it. It is a necessity. Let me use another illustration to get the point across:
So with that understanding of me, let me drop a couple of mind-blowing knowledge bombs on you.
1) I still use livejournal. That’s right–that weird old Russian-owned website that you might remember from 2002. I use it. I use it a lot. I use it for its communities (well, one community, really–shhh, it’s a secret) and I use it to read the five or six other people who still write in their hopelessly uncool online journals and I write in mine PROLIFICALLY. Like, almost every day. And I’ve been doing this for like 11 years. Writing in my livejournal has become part of my creative process and part of my therapeutic process and part of whatever the heck else constitutes me as a human being. It’s important. And needless to say, my journal is personal. Gaining access to it would give you a horrifyingly unfiltered glimpse into me as a person, me as a writer, me as an ev.er.y.thing. This leads to the next bomb…
2) About a month ago, I discovered that someone from my past has been repeatedly hacking into my livejournal. I can’t go into details (I KNOW! I want to, but I can’t), but it happened and has been happening for I don’t know how long. It’s weird. It’s more than weird. It’s surreal and invasive and disorienting and upsetting and something I still can’t make sense out of.
But that’s more or less the reason I’ve been playing this game of hide and seek with my internet presences. My immediate reaction after learning about the hacking was to panic and delete everything in an effort to gain some control. Then I sort of berated myself and said stuff like, Don’t let someone intimidate you this way, keep on internetting like nobody’s watching, which worked for about five minutes because WHO AM I KIDDING? IT’S THE INTERNET. SOMEONE IS ALWAYS WATCHING.
Now, though, it’s been about a month since I discovered the hacking situation, it seems as though it won’t happen again, and I’m trying to make peace with the idea of someone always watching on the internet, because I guess that’s a good thing to come to terms with not matter what and could potentially stop you from doing really stupid shit on the internet. Like hacking into someone’s goddamn livejournal, for instance.
Here’s the thing: I really love the internet. It gives me a lot. And I have really exciting things coming up–like moving to Kansas, starting a PhD program, and all that rot. I want to blog about it and about writing and publications and readings and STUFF and I don’t want to hide or feel unsafe and the best way to combat that feeling of unsafety is probably to get all negative capability Keats-y and understand the limitations of my (human/internet) context but keep on existing in that context anyway.
So I’m going to stop deleting and undeleting my blog, basically, is what I’m saying.